MarthaTalksLGBT: Coming out.

MarthaTalksLGBT: post numero uno- coming out.

So in one of my final videos I asked for questions for one about LGBT issues that I was planning on making. As a result, a lovely girl called Tegan reached out to me with the most interesting email and some questions about coming out as bisexual. I thought in this post (rather than video- sorry again) I would talk all about my experience of coming out and also answer the questions about it I was given, woo!

So, the first thing I should say is that there was no definitive moment where I “came out”- I think my friends ended up knowing through drunk conversations or moments where I mentioned it casually in passing. I’ve never told my parents, not because it makes me nervous or uncomfortable but because a) I know it wouldn’t be a big deal for them (although I’m sure my dad would have no idea what to say) and b) I have yet to have a girlfriend and that feels like the right way to introduce the concept to them. Someone said something very similar to this on my emails recently but if I wasn’t introducing a ‘girlfriend’, it would feel a bit like I was randomly telling my parents about an aspect of my romantic/ sexual life which just feels a bit unnecessary. Talking about boys is not really a part of my relationship with them, particularly with my dad, and so talking about girls would feel a little bit out of place and out of the blue.

Something that surprised me when I was telling my friends was that most of them seemed to know already. I was about 14 when I first mentioned it to anyone and prior to that I thought I was being unquestionably subtle and secretive however, the most common response I got was “oh I thought so” or “yeah I could kind of tell”. I personally found this hilarious and I don’t know if anyone reading this who may feel ‘closeted’ will find comfort in the idea that the people in your life aren’t as naïve as you may think and could potentially have already worked it out. Another thing for me- and I think a lot of other people- was that it just didn’t feel like a huge secret. It was a big part of my life and used to worry me when I was a bit younger (11/12), but by the time I was about 16 I was so well adjusted to who I was that it simply didn’t feel like something I needed to make a huge announcement about. On this note, however, I do feel the need to clarify that I live in the gay capital of England and am surrounded by extremely accepting (and a lot of queer) people- I can see how my sexuality would feel like a much bigger deal if I lived anywhere else.

Now I think I am making this sound all fun and games, there were a fair number of things I was anxious about with telling people I’m bisexual, namely the fact that I hadn’t had any experience with girls and thus felt like I didn’t have “proof” of my identity. Looking back, this was so silly because of COURSE I hadn’t had any experience with girls, I was 15/16 and the only girls I knew who weren’t straight were one of my best friends (out of bounds) and her friend who I simply didn’t have any chemistry with. I think back then I felt like I needed to fancy every single girl who seemed queer because I was so limited by the people I knew. Just to point out the obvious, you are not going to fancy every girl you see just because they don’t ‘seem’ straight. When I was 16 I got a boyfriend and that relationship has only just ended so here we are- still no girlfriend! Obviously, I’m still a teenager and have my whole life to have experiences with people of all genders. When I stopped feeling the need to rush to prove myself as ‘queer enough to come out’ I was able to fully accept myself and my sexuality just as what it is.

I want to finish off by answering some of the questions that I was asked about coming out:

Do you think you have to be “out” to accept your identity?

No! Not at all, being out doesn’t make you any more or less queer. If you’re not in a position to come out/ you simply don’t think that its any of anyone else’s business, your identity is in no way diminished and you are still exactly who you know yourself to be. Work on accepting your identity by any means you like, and if that’s entirely in your own head that is FINE.

Do you think you need to have had queer experiences before you come out?

I touched on this but no absolutely not! This was my biggest fear and it’s so silly at it’s core. You can be certain of your identity and just not happened to have had particular life experiences yet. I’m not saying you need to rush right into coming out before you’re sure or anything, I just mean it’s entirely possible to be sure of your sexuality without necessarily having sex (obviously!)

Thankyou for reading! My next MarthaTalksLGBT will be about pressure from within the community so if you have any points or comments about that leave them below or email me!

Much love to you all, I hope you’re well and thankyou for all the support with this blog,

M xxx

PS. I made a twitter for this blog! I’ll be tweeting out the link to each new blog post so if you want to follow that it’s @MarthaTalksBlog

Email: marthatalksmental@gmail.com